I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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