He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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