there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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