Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
