dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
