it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
