So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
