True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
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she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
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Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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