i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
its liver damage thursday
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
