bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
