so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
