I'd wear matching sweaters with you
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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