he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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