I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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