My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
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He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
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Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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