she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
