I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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