so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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