our cab driver is having phone sex.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
