so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
