No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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