I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
