Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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