dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
