I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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