Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
