You just made me feel so damn special
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
