Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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