can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
