Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
