i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize