WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
