pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
