last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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