Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
