the condom got lost in my hair
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
