i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
