and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
