If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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