gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
