I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
