I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
