Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
