She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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