1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
