you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
