I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
