he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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