i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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