I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
