Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
