So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
