I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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