The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
