Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
