My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
