Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
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Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
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I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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